Spider-Man 3 – The Movie – The Review

First off, my apologies to any Spidey fans that may get pissed off because I have an opinion that differs from theirs.. Sorry, but I just can’t get into Spidey like you want him to get into you. Also note this review may contain spoilers.. so there you go.. you’ve been warned.

I wonder why directors, movie studios, whomever it is.. decide that it’s reeeeally important to lure the breast-bearing beings into the theaters to see action movies.. no, I’m not talking about fat D&D-playing IT nerds, I’m talking about girls! This movie is one big soap opera with a few minutes of action. Luckily the action is so good that it almost makes it worth waiting for.. almost.

There’s nothing I love more than going to a Spider-Man flick only to spend my time wondering if Ross and Rachel are going to make it.. no wait, wrong group of friends.. I meant MJ and Peter. That’s one thing I loved about the movie 300.. sure, there was a love story.. but if you removed it you would have lost 5 minutes of movie. In this grand drama, if you were to remove the love story you would end up with about 15 minutes of film. WTF?!

Well, here are my ProCons.. for your disgust.


  • Nice CG
    • I guess soon I’ll have to stop putting this one on movie reviews since they seem to be getting the whole CG thing down. However it is worth noting that most of the time I found the CG believable.
  • Nice Cameos
    • What’s a Marvel-based movie without good ol’ Stan Lee showing his mug. It was also nice to see my favoritest actor Bruce Campbell in there… which is pretty much required since him and Director Sam Raime both started out long ago on the Evil Dead/Army of Darkness movies.. But Bruce does lighten the movie up during a scene that’s probably supposed to make people cry.
  • Nice chicks
    • During the scene in which Peter Parker goes Emo, they sure show a lot of hot lookin girls.. I enjoyed that, even if I did have to put up with Peter’s hip thrusts during all of it.. bleah! ..but mmm-giirrrls!
  • Nice action scenes
    • My biggest complaint for the TMNT movie (there were many) was that the action scenes weren’t properly directed. It was hard to see the fights with the weird camera angles, lighting, etc.. This movie does not suffer from that! I’m very pleased with the layout of the fight and action scenes.. bravo! (well.. there is this one cheesy scene where you see through the eyes of the venom goo.. it’s sooo 1970’s horror-flick-like)


  • Super slow extra long love story turbo ultra III
    • If I were to go on about the slow drawn out love story I would be depriving you of the enjoyment you will get from wanting to blow out your own brains during it. So go see it and complain for yourself.
  • Bad voice-overs
    • Um.. MJ’s a singer.. and well.. she can’t sing in real life so they dubbed her singing during the flick.. which is normal, BUT at least try to get someone who sounds SOMETHING like the actress?! It’s so painfully obvious it’s not her.. ugh! “That was poorly handled.”
  • MJ’s a whore!
    • So MJ gets jealous that PP gets all the fame and she sucks as a singer.. sooo what’s a girl to do? Slutty ho.
    • Then, THEN she breaks up with PP because Harry bashes her head into the wall and tells her to.
    • Then, THEN she’s all Harry’s best friend again after all that shizzle!!
    • She’s just a ho.. back off! (the previous rant may or may not be influenced by prior experiences)
  • Peter Parker goes Emo and joins Fall Out Boy
    • This scene will have you laughing.. or wishing you found it funny.. it’s truly scary to think the Venom symbiote will turn you Emo if you get some on you… sends chills up my spine.
  • Thomas Haden Church is not a bad guy!
    • Typecasting is bad.. but I’ve seen this guy in so many comedies that I just cant take him serious as a bad guy.. he’ll always be Lowell from Wings to me.
  • Venom falls from ?
    • To give an example as to how much background was disclosed of Venoms origin..
  • Spidey needs a velcro mask!
    • Ok.. his mask comes off like 100,000 times in this flick.. WTF? Um.. especially in front of news crews which have cameras which have zoom which they prove works by zooming into MJ’s face while she’s a million feet in the air. Velcro Spidey, Velcro.

Well that’s my take on the whole thing. Overall.. I like it.. but next time I’m gonna roll a fatty prior to watching it. I hope you enjoyed my review, if not please send an email to my Indian friend Suqaqok Enswalo.. he’d be happy to hear from you.