Transformers – Movie Review

Ah.. what a lovely time to be alive. Movie technology has advanced so much that it’s now possible to bring people back from the dead. I’m sure it won’t be long before we see a new Bruce Lee flick, starring a total CGI Bruce Lee with live actors.. watch for it. Unfortunately, no matter how advanced the technology gets, Writers, as long as they’re human, will continue to pump out crap after crap as long as they have brands to guarantee them viewers. That, my friends, is the tragic case with the Transformers movie.

The actors in this movie are pretty good, believable.. for the most part, and especially considering that they had to imagine the machines acting out their parts. The action scenes.. wow! The CGI effects are amazing.. I read somewhere that it took 2 days for the computers to render each second of the movie! Incredible stuff. That’s all the good. The bad?

Why is BumbleBee a Camaro? What’s that? oh.. cuz Chevy pays more than VW? ah.. oh, that explains the Nokia and Mountain Dew transformers too.. I didn’t realize I was watching a 2 hour ad. I’m guessing it didn’t cost too much to make this movie if you take in all the advertising money they got from Nokia, Apple, Microsoft, Mountain Dew, Chevy, GMC, and God knows what other product placement missed my eye. Quiz Time!

  • How do you contain a transformer?
    • Energy Field?.. no, silly.. COLD! Yes, it’s true.. Robot Aliens that travel thru space will hibernate in the cold.. ya.. look it up.
  • Why are the Decepticons on Earth?
    • If you answered “To find energy because they depleted Cybertron’s resources” then you’re wrong. Apparently, their most precious possesion, the giant cube from the Cube movies, somehow got lost and ended up on Earth.. so Megatron came here all by his lonesome to find it.. he’s such a boy scout. Luckily for us, Megatron is an idiot and doesn’t know how magnetic fields on planets work and so he crash landed into some ice.. which, of course, made him hibernate.. yay!
  • Who’s the biggest pussy in the Autobots?
    • Duh.. Optimus Prime! I mean.. sure, he has a bad-ass sword, and sure.. he’s the highest rated Autobot, but put him up against Megatron and watch him squirm! WTF?!
  • Cube?
    • So the main star of this film is a Cube, also known as the “all spark”. What kind of goofy name is that?! Anyway, here are my favorite cube moments:
      • The cube is humongous.. but luckily it transforms into an itty-bitty travel-size cube.. just for you!
      • Rule #1: Any electronic item the cube touches will come to life.
      • Rule #2: Any robot that touches it will be healed.
      • Broken Rule #1: The feds are supporting this cube with metal frames, but nothing is coming to life?
      • Broken Rule #2: The little boombox robot (WTF?!) is broken, touches the cube and is now totally fixed.. BumbleBee is missing his legs and touches the cube to no effect. What’s that? “Maybe it doesn’t work when it’s in portable-mode!” .. ah, but when Spike, I mean.. whatever the kids name is, does a roll on the ground and the cube touches the ground for 1 second it makes robots out of an XBox 360 and a Mountain Dew machine? Shut your mouth!

Wow.. sorry.. I am all over the place on this, aren’t I? Here’s my summary: This could have been the best movie EVER! There was NO need to change the core of Transformers.. none. The writers of this flick are OBVIOUSLY not Transformers fans.. if they were it would have been awesome! Instead, we’re left with a great action movie with lots of great characters and action scenes, but a story so horrible and flawed that, if you have a brain, will make you want to stick the all-spark into your own chest. This movie gets a solid 5 out of 10.