It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal on this man’s blog.. but I’m feeling quite alone right now and if I don’t put this out I may end up hanging on Burning Man. I’m not suicidal, mind you.. I just need to chat.
I did a bad thing last night, I read the news.. for about 4 hours, I sat and read news story after news story after news story.. a bad thing indeed. The news is never good. Reading how people, animals, and our planet in general are dying every second of every day makes me remember why I hate people sometimes.
It’s the only constant in my life.. fear. I feel fear every second of every day. I fear living in a world where ignorant people have weapons. I fear idiots in power. I fear a corrupt government. I fear growing old and unable to take care of myself. I fear dying alone. I fear losing my job. I fear disappointing my friends. I fear pain and solitude. I fear not succeeding. I fear not being loved. I fear not being likable. I fear being unhealthy. I fear betrayal. I fear making bad decisions. I fear not knowing enough. I fear not being smart enough to learn more. I fear silence. I fear there is no god.
My decisions, my acts, are all controlled by my fears. Fear is a constant, that’s life. That’s what keeps everything moving.. fear. I know I’m not alone.. I know we all have fears. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. It just means I have to be strong, I have to rise above the fear and act accordingly to survive. Fear is a good thing.. fearing something gives you an advantage.. the ability to counter. If I did not fear getting burned by a flame then I would not know to pull my hand away from the flame.
We all have fears.. but we keep them locked away because we don’t trust people. We think if we tell others our fears we will be viewed as weak.. or worse yet, our fears will be used against us. Sadly.. those threats are real. People are hard to trust sometimes. There’s a lot of hate and disregard for others’ happiness going around these days. But again, as long as we fear their actions to our fears, we can counter.. right?
I’m expressing my fears because one thing I don’t fear is your reaction. I know you get scared.. I know you worry about your bills, your health, your loved ones.. you have to fear something! You are no better off than I.
This world can be a lonely place sometimes.. which is funny, considering we all have so many things in common.. especially one.. Fear.