Get it yo damn self, dammit!

A long time ago, in a galaxy.. no wait. In this galaxy, I remember hearing a little tale about God and this, that, and the other thing. I feel like sharing it, I dunno why.. maybe just cuz I’ve had a great day. The sun’s been shining, Rita was treating me well as we hit the mean streets of Omaha, and the rash seems to be clearing up nicely. Anyway, here it is, paraphrased and without attribution, cuz that’s how I roll. Oh, and you don’t have to believe in God for this to apply, but we can hammer that out in Hell.

This guy was out in the middle of huge-ass lake. I think he was fishing, but I don’t encourage that sort of violence, so let’s say he was reading his Kindle. No, I don’t know why he was reading his Kindle in a boat in the middle of a huge-ass lake. Perhaps he was a fishing addict, and he was reading a book on how to overcome his fishing addiction, and maybe one of the steps is to go sit in a boat in a lake. I dunno, let’s move on.

Something happened and his boat started to sink. Again, the facts are sketchy, I think the Kindle overheated and burned a hole in the boat, I dunno. Hey, Do Kindles float? I hope so. So here’s this poor guy, going through fishing withdrawals and now about to drown too. He’s a super-religious guy, so he has faith that the big G-O-D will deliver him from this little situation.

Several minutes pass by and some fishermen paddle by in a little dingy. They see him flapping about and ask him if he needs help. He tells them he’s fine, that God will take care of him, so they go on their merry way. Some more time goes by and now a sweet-lookin yacht zooms up and a sexy little mama yells out to our flappy fool, offering her, em.. services. Again he turns down the help, sure as all get-out that some mighty force from above will come to his aid, so away they go. By now our little monkey is starting to get really tired, ya dig? Then, out of a sudden (ed. I know know it’s ‘All of a sudden’, but this guy at work says it that way, so I do now too.. it’s fun!), a ginormous Coast Guard ship arrives, with helicopters, F-15 fighter jets (I know, I know!), and even a Dolphin with a laserbeam on it’s head!  Our little moron tells them all to take a hike, God has this.. it’s all good. So off they go and eventually our deity-dependent dude drowns to death.

Next thing you know, it’s morning and we find ourselves in Heaven. The super-soaked soul of our fisherman pal arrives at God’s feet, he looks up at his would-be savior and asks “Yo man, where the hell were you?!“. Leaning forward, with eyes ablaze, the good lord’s voice echoed “Are you effin kidding me?!! I sent you help THREE times!!!

After that I think they all had a good laugh about the whole thing. So what’s the whole point? Well, I’ll let you draw your own conclusion, but be sure to use a #2 pencil.