I’m eating chocolate pudding and the credits just rolled on my last episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I’m kinda bummed out because now I don’t know what else I can watch tonight. I’m hurting, I’m worried, and I’m imagining myself as a ball of yarn. A ball of yarn with no beginning and no end, no clear view of what’s inside, just a big, mangled mess. A mess that’s taken a long time to form, with lots of twists and turns.
That’s how I feel. I don’t know how I got here. I’ve lived a hard life, I overcame lots of obstacles, but I always looked forward to living. I was optimistic and driven, I vowed to push through all I felt and one day shine like the sun. I must have taken a wrong turn along the way. There was a time when looking behind meant that I’d be standing in a good place, reflecting on the bad. Today, it’s quite the opposite. Today I’m cursing the day I decided to start protecting myself.
I’m homeless. I’m a ball of yarn that’s been left out in the rain. I’m soggy and soaked, and any chance of unraveling me has long since disappeared. My own hand, my own ego, my own fears have led me here. I had a home. I had a chance. I protected myself because I didn’t want to feel pain, yet here I am.. rotting in the rain.
The perfect seamstress saw me outside, laying in the grass on a beautiful sunny day. She grabbed me, tried to unravel me and use me to make a beautiful dress. A dress that would hug every inch of her beautiful curves, but every attempt to unravel me ended with her discovering more and more knots. She kept trying, but I did knot. I was afraid. I was so accustomed to being a ball that I could not fathom being unraveled. It was only a matter of time before she would give up on this old ball of cotton and seek out finer silk.
I miss her delicate hands, tirelessly and gently pulling at my loose ends, trying to set me free from myself. I miss the sparkle in her eyes as she imagined the wonderful uses for my bright colors. Now, I’m still knotted up, only out in the rain, and my colors bleed away into the drain.
I hope the sun comes out soon. I hope she sees me again, with colors faded, and still finds value in my thread. I hope she picks me up and weaves me into something pretty, something she can wrap around herself so that I may keep her warm. I want to envelope her with every inch of myself. I would never let her go. She would love me and show me off to all her friends. People would ask her if they could buy me, but she wouldn’t even think about it. She’d know how hard she worked to unravel me. She’d know that her efforts were not in vain, and she would cherish me forever.
I wish so much that she would have me, because, right now, I have knots.