My mind is like a carousel.
Yesterday, it revolved quickly and I was blasted with opposing flashes of thought. Much like the flower-plucking “She loves me, she loves me not” game we’ve all played, my mind worked overtime to try and convince me of reasons to fight for my love, and reasons to run for my life. If you can imagine being on a fast-moving carousel for an extended amount of time, you can begin to imagine my displeasure. It was disorienting, painful, agitating, and I really wanted it to stop. I found myself reaching out, trying to grab on to anything or anyone I could, but nothing helped. It was a low point, like the many I’ve had for the last few weeks, each one feeling worse than the last.
Today, I awoke to clear, sunny skies and a new mindset. The carousel seems to have stopped and has been replaced with a room full of mirrors. I’m left looking at myself, remembering all the great qualities I possess. I know I’m flawed, I won’t argue that, but I also know that I possess a sliver of greatness. I’m a good person, and for the right person, I can stop the world. Today I’m riding a high, and that’s just as dangerous as a low. In both peaks, I’m likely to say or do something rash. In a low, I may show up at her house at 3am, begging and pleading for an ounce of her time. In a high, I may make her feel like she doesn’t matter. I may become so self-centered, that I actually start to ignore my love for her and start to disregard any feelings which she may have. A move that would surely push her further and further away.
These waves are so very dangerous. It is the tightrope that we all must walk at the edge of a relationship. I have to remind myself of my three relationship rules: Never stop dating. Relationships are a privilege, not a right. Everyone leaves, appreciate them while you can. As long as I keep those things in my heart, and at the forefront of my mind, I can try to focus on not making the wrong moves. I can let time help the pieces fall into order. I can only hope that, despite having provided some moments of pain, the good in me and the good of me are enough to make her see that my love in indeed true, and that she deserves her rewards.
Until then, my kisses will remain loaded. My snuggles will be reserved. My love will remain safe in a box, wrapped with a beautiful bow, waiting for the day you unwrap it and decide that we can ride the waves together.