The Last 18 Months

I’m in the eye of the storm.

The last 18 months have been quite turbulent, they’ve been a testament to the range of human emotion. I’ve felt happy, hopeful, angry, sad, loved, abandoned, useful, and useless. This is the cost of being the spirit that I am, ducking and weaving in and out of the lives of many.

The last 18 months have been hard to face. I found many moments where life finally made sense, where I had hope. Like bubbles floating in the air, they were gone as quickly as they appeared. The memories of the laughter we’ve shared almost makes it all seem worthwhile. I like to think that I’ve left a positive mark in your life. I like to imagine that your world is a better place because I’ve been there.

I’m in the middle of my life.

The last 18 months will be hard to face alone. It is my last chance to become a monument to goodness. I have a lot left to do and not a long time to do it. I’ll have to knuckle down, I’ll have to dig in and stand firm in my beliefs. I’ll have to open up and explore new ideas.

The last 18 months are my last chance to prove to the world, to you, that I can follow my own rules. That I can put the needs of the many above my own needs. It will be my self-serving attempt at happiness, to determine if I truly can feel happiness by providing it to others.

I’m in the nexus of my existence.

The last 18 months have led me down a path unlike any I’ve ever encountered. I’ve had to face many demons, I’ve had to deal with how I’ve let my fears hurt people. I feel disgraced by the very thought. I had slid into a mode of self-protection that made me lose sight of how much I affect others. I apologize deeply to those I’ve hurt, and I promise to be more vigilant to avoid further pain on either side.

The last 18 months are an experiment, I’m walking into a void where I can’t help but be afraid. Yet, I have no options. Time will not wait for me. I have to push forward and deliver on my goals and objectives. I have to spread my wings and let my hopes and dreams carry me toward the height of my abilities.

I long to be happy, I long to make you happy.
Thanks for your love in the last 18 months.
Love me in the last 18 months.

“You either fail or you rise and reach to other worlds” — Chevelle, Arise