I need to apologize. A few days ago I posted the one about playing with fire, and while I was writing that, I started to get agitated. I’m not sure if it was the topic, or the absurd heat we’ve been having, or maybe something I read on my twitter feed; I don’t know. I know that by the time I had popped in the final period, my blood pressure was probably pretty high. I recall clicking that Post button as if I were launching a thousand nukes, as if a break occurred as demons threw their weight upon the door to my soul.
As I go back and reread it, I can clearly see the emotional shift in the text. Regardless, I don’t regret the bulk of it. I do however regret one tiny word.
I mentioned that I had left an abusive relationship and that I knew doing so was going to put me on the least-favorable side of a he-said/she-said war. I’ve since gone back and redacted that word, replacing it with a more appropriate adjective, unhealthy.
I’m near-certain that the person involved will never see these words, but I am deeply sorry for improperly identifying that relationship. I was never abused.
I believe abuse is something intentional. Abuse is a man that can’t control his fist, or a woman who says things intentionally aimed at bringing down a man. This relationship contained no abuse, from either side, neither physical nor mental. What it contained, for all interested, was two amazingly strong people who shared more in common than they could imagine. It was those very similarities; decisiveness, fortitude, determination, curiosity, hunger, and drive; that led to the constant yelling and attempts to sway the other’s opinion. Reflections in the mirror, trying to right the left and left the right. It was futile, but not malicious.
They were merely two people in a constant struggle to better themselves and provide a positive contribution to the world, attempting to do it together while turning a blind eye to the insurmountable obstacles they knew existed. It was love.
Love is that stupid thing that makes us cling to hope when we know there is none. It makes us chase the sun, although we’ll never catch it. It makes us believe in things we know cannot possibly be true, and fills us with a feeling we dare not cut loose.
Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. Sometimes you need to sit and try to make sense of it all, and accept that the world will still keep spinning if you let go of that which you hold most dear. The hurt will come, and it will be as intense as a thousand fires, and all will feel hopeless. It is then, when you most want to give up, that you’ll have to be just that one bit stronger. You’ll need to remember that there are people around you who love you regardless of your sins. People who will always answer your cries. Remember that you are never alone as long as you’re in someone’s heart and that this, if nothing else, is reason enough to smile.