snake eyes

i wish i had some throwing dice

because life right now just isn’t nice

I wish I had some dice to throw

to let me know which way to go

my mind is beating me to death

there is no break

there is no rest

 

i wish i knew what I should do

i wish she knew my love is true

i wish that sleep would come again

i wish again that this will end

 

i feel the tears, they’re staying close

they’ve hung around this time you see

they stuck around to torture me

they stuck around to let me see

that i fucked up so royally

 

i hope they leave

i hope she sees

i hope somehow

i’ll be set free.

locking doors

Some people have a ritual, at the end of the night.

They lock all the doors, and they turn out the lights.

Like them, I have rituals of my own,

My most favorite one, is the buzz of my phone.

A gentle reminder that I’m not alone.

So simple and powerful, that buzz from that phone.

It might be “Sweet Dreams!!” or “Are you awake?”,

But I’m always amazed by what a difference it makes.

A few times it buzzed and I didn’t answer back,

and right at this moment I hate me for that.

These nights that buzz doesn’t come around much,

so my shiny, new iPhone might as well be a Touch.

I keep grabbing the phone and making sure it’s still on,

it’s so hard to accept that the buzzing is gone.

* * *

I wonder if this is still considered poetry?

Learning more about poetry should be on my ToDo list.

One day, I might just add it.

Very unlikely tho, since I already have tons on it.

Everyone has things they keep putting off, I’m no different.

Yes, I’m just like everyone else.

One day, I’ll start on my ToDo list,

Unless “one day” never comes.

 

Though I Might Be Awake

Though I may be wide awake

left to ponder my mistake

I cannot help but hate myself

for always mischoosing which path to take.

 

Another day has come and gone

another day that ended wrong

I speak no words, I share no smiles

the noise in my head goes on for miles.

 

I’m surely no poet, and yes, I know it,

but my soul aches and yearns for my love’s return.

I’ve done all I could, I’ve said all I should,

now I must put my faith in all that is good.

 

I cannot control the bends or the turns,

I cannot predict how things will unfold,

I can only wish for what I’ve been told..

If the love set free was true, it will surely return.

 

* * *

I wrote this because I’m a mess.

I wrote this because I feel pain and more pain with every passing minute.

I wrote this because I suffer and I have no other release.

I wrote this because I’ve been the cause of so much pain, and now it has all come back home.

I wrote this because I’m not worthy of love, and that’s why, right now, I’m so very alone.

I wrote this because I’ve hit my punching bag so many times that my hands are on fire.

I wrote this because I’ve watched every show I had in queue.

I wrote this because I’ve cried for the first time in a while, and while the tears fell I noticed a smile.

I wrote this because I just don’t know what else to do.

But mainly, I wrote this because I fucking miss you.

Some villain I turned out to be.

Well, Well, Well.. look who finally decided to show his ugly mug.

Drop it, I’m not in the mood.

Oh, f’give me, masta! I’ll ignore the fact that you’ve ignored me for months.. what’s your beef?

I’m evil.

uh.. no, I’m pretty sure *I’m* the evil one here, but what makes you say that?

Well, I’m a pretty logical guy.. You remember that Will Smith movie, The Pursuit of Happyness?

uhuh..

Well, I remember that when I watched it, I didn’t quite get the vibe that everyone else was getting. You see, the movie was about this guy who was experiencing a series of unfortunate events..

Pretty sure that was a Jim Carrey movie, but go on..

Anyhoo, here’s this guy, with a kid, and not one soul, not even his best friend, will help him out? I mean, even on a bad day, if my worst enemy needed shelter for him and his child, I would never turn him away. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.. everyone he turned to had to say to themselves, “This guy, and his offspring, do not merit my aid.” So, logically, I can only assume that this guy must REALLY have been a dick! I mean seriously, nobody would help him!

uh.. I got nothing.. oh yea! What’s this got to do with you?

I’m a dick, too!

I blame your parents. What’d they think would happen if they named you Rich??

No, I’m serious! You see, I live in this interesting world. In my world, I believe I’m good, kind, charitable, understanding, loyal..

I get it, I get it

Right, sorry.. but yes, I think I’m one heck of a model human being. This cannot possibly be true.

Why so?

Well, when I reflect on what my life is like, I feel like I’m Will Smith’s character, lamenting woes, being the victim. However, when I observe the people around me, I notice that, to them, my woes are meaningless.

Care to elaborate?

Sure.. This one time, I had a group of close friends. One day, my closest friend betrayed me, big time. I expected all my other friends to rally by my side.. but they didn’t. They stayed neutral to the whole thing, so I distanced myself from them instead. For years I’ve told the story of my betrayal to those I’ve tried to befriend, but one by one, they’ve all befriended him as well. Even those who claim to love me, and hold me very dear, do not hesitate to frolic with my aggressor. So, as the king who eventually realized he was standing naked, I can only come to the conclusion that *I’m* the aggressor!

Don’t you think if you were the bad guy, that your friends would have told you?

I don’t think most people can be trusted to that, they want to remain happy friends with everyone.

Do you trust me, Focker?

Well, of course! You’re me, doofus!

Are you sure? Think about it, I’ll still be here when you’re dead and buried.

Yea but.. we’re getting off-target!

Like I said, I must be the bad guy, otherwise why would all my friends be ok with being friends with him??

What, You expect people to share your feelings because you gave him the key to the castle and he moved in?

What did you think was going to happen?

I dunno.. Loyalty? Family? Respect?

LOL! You’re not the villain, my friend.. but you sure are the village idiot.

But I’m the good guy!!!

Sure you are, buddy. I’ll leave you with this quote:

"..when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written,
It's plain to see,
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions.
Would you agree?
If so please show me."
Death Cab for Cutie, You Are A Tourist


Poem: Look With In

in my mind is where I keep you now

in my thoughts I know you’re safe and sound

in control of all you hear and see

deep with in I keep you here with me

 

in secure is how you make me feel

in those times you ask if I’m for real

in my heart I couldn’t love you more

still with in you’re looking for the door

 

in your eyes I see that you are scared

in your mind I know this isn’t fair

in your words I’m colored as insane

give in time you’ll be my love again

 

in my sky where your sun doesn’t shine

in my tears that still remain uncried

in my life I hope you know for sure

I’m in love with you forever more

Off Course, Of Course

I have finely gone insane

of this fact I can’t complain

this mud flowing thru my veins

mustn’t make it to my brain

 

I’ve brought this all upon myself

by allowing the doubling of my cells

tho I can control this no more than the weather

I’ve finally lived long enough to regret her

 

the moments that passed never will come again

all that past the beginning was never the same

there was hope in a moment when my heart was aflame

but alas chasing greatness has left me not sane

 

sifting thru the pain I glean new meaning

words are the blood of love

I lay here bleeding